Happy Saturday, Everyone,
This is going to be more stream of consciousness, but with some updates. I have started communicating with editors and cover artists through the website Reedsy (highly recommend; a lot of very skilled professionals on there). I am both excited and daunted, because it is finally hitting me that this is really the beginning of my personal journey as an author. It feels strange, because I thought the stories of my life would, in some way, be limited to the stories I told. But these stories are starting to bring me into contact with the world at large, and that is where my ambivalence comes from.
In some ways, I am idealizing the days where all a writer had to worry about were their stories, that the totality of their job was limited to their study, coffee shop, or whatever abode their craft continuously brought them to. But nowadays, the writing world is filled with possibilities, but those also entail more responsibilities. I want to do self-publishing because I want the creativity of my work to be genuine, thought-out, and free to explore territory of the human soul, psyche, and history that are taboo, sensitive, and perhaps too dangerous to be brought to light without towing a particular ideological line. I want to instead explore these themes through my characters and stories in the hopes that they will shed some light that I can only see in their reflection.
That being said (I was on a hike, and one of my friends was saying how much they hated this phrase, so I apologize to those overexposed), this undertaking is going to take a lot out of me. It already has taken a lot out of me psychically, and I am honestly surprised I made it this far after I was certain that writing was a non-starter for me. But also, almost all of my savings is going into this. And this isn't a crowd-funding pitch or anything, but rather my just trying to air out the feelings I have in the practical parameters independent artists have to face these days, especially ones who are just starting out.
I don't know if I can make a living as a writer. I do believe that the stories I have so far have value, even though I am unsure as to how well I have executed them (I am pretty confident about "Chiral", my newest WIP coming soon, at least as confident as can be hoped for). But, strange as it sounds, this chaos feels like home to me. It is ripe with potential, filled to the brim with intoxicating promises I may end up choking on. But I won't know whether I can breathe in this new environment until I submerge myself in it completely.
But why live life in half-measures? Yes, live with discernment, temperance, and awareness. But also live fully. For too long, I have lived behind my own shadow, using my doubt and resentment as a cushion and shield against my own life and dreams. Now, I want to pull back the curtain and let in whatever is waiting for me on the other side.
It's times like these, where I feel open and vulnerable, that I like to listen to powerful music that amplifies that sense of transcendence. One of my favorites is the song "Lateralus" by Tool (I am, first and foremost, a metalhead when it comes to music).
I embrace my desire to I embrace my desire to Feel the rhythm, to feel connected Enough to step aside and weep like a widow To feel inspired To fathom the power To witness the beauty To bathe in the fountain To swing on the spiral To swing on the spiral to
Swing on the spiral Of our divinity And still be a human
So, I'll end this post with a dare and a promise, to listen to that deepest part of ourselves that longs for life in its fullest, deepest, and most profound expression. I hope you all dare to experience your lives with an open heart, even if its broken, a curious mind, even if it's been beaten down and worn thin, and let the fire of your spirit burn brightly for all to witness, even if it burns what you thought was you away.
I'll try to do the same.